So, I changed my Xanga 'cause I didn't like my name. This one's for permanent!
Here are my entries so far:
You know what really makes me feel real?
Sinning.
why is that?
I'm tired of acting. "Do you ever feel like a robot?" "Ya. I feel like i'm in a movie sometimes, just like playing my part."
I fee like that so much here. And I'm sick of it; I'm sick of myself - or, my role. You know what I really admire? I really admire people who don't follow social protocol.
I think the reason sinning makes me feel real is because I was unsaved for most of my life, and living purely in the world. I'm not one of those "Christian home, Christian school, Christian shoes" kids. No, I grew went to public school and was an atheist.
And then God saved me, and said, "You're not going to do these things anymore. I love you, and you mean more to me than to let you go to hell. I'm setting you free from these things, and you will have Me instead; look at me, I am good for you. Take my body and drink my blood, I gladly lay them down for you. You are my son, and I am your Father, even though yours hasn't been there for you."
"Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?"
Ya, I need to be lead to repentance.
I don't know what keeps me from leaving God, but tonight it's love. At least, that's what brought me back tonight. He is good, and I need Him, or I will perish in the fleeting pursuit of sin. I am so desperately evil, and so prone to self-deception. You know what the biggest problem in my Christian walk is? His name is Brian Knapp, and he lives in Slight 16. He is filled with his own ways, and his heart is purely evil, and overflows with envy and hatred. His eyes sparkle with pride and indifference; His thoughts are black and detestable, and his neck is stiff. His uses every instrument placed into his hands by God or man for pain and horror, and he is totally incapable of helping himself; he can only lust for chaos and filth, for he is shackled to the bedrock of this fallen world with thick cords of darkness.
He needs to be dragged out to the cross anad crucified. He must, if I am to go on with God. O God, please do it. Set me free. He is taking me away from you...
Public - 2:21 AM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - edit it - email it
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
These constricting walls are incessant companions that whisper to me, "you are all alone,"
-an introvert... by J. P. S.
So, I show up to Biblical fundamentals on monday, having done the reading before i left my room. Usually I'm reading on the way down, and right up till I go in; I'm a severe procrastinator. The point, though, is that when I took a seat in the middle of the house, right out of the center aisle, I would been in a better state had I just showed up shirtless.
The topic: confronting sin in other believers' lives.
The teacher: Erin Johnson.
Am I the only one who sees the painful irony in this???
Maybe you're just not very familiar with this issue, so I should just spell it out. No, I'll just quote it. St. Paul, under the inspiration of the Spirit of God says, "Let a woman learn in quietness in all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercize authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet." 1 Timothy 2:11-12.
Now, when she took the mic, I was thinking, "....uh-oh. is she going to be teaching the Bible? No way...Masters is way too careful for that to happen here..."
and then she assuaged my fears, "We're going to be having short scenes acting this stuff out, so it won't just be me preaching." (emphasis added)
"Preaching???" I heard come from somewhere a few in.
Then she started teaching about the Biblical basis for confronting, and what it should look like.
"You have got to be kidding me," I swore.
So I looked up 1 Timothy 2:12 and read it. And read it again. And then again.
And I prayed, "O God, give me courage, and strengthen me to keep a clean conscience," and I walked out, center aisle, down to the back, and out the door.
Now, I have no problem with a woman giving her testimony, with her sharing her experiences, or convictions in front of the congregation, but when a woman gets up and "teaches or exercizes authority over a man," she is in sin. At least, that's what the Holy Spirit says. This, of course, does not apply to sharing the gospel with unbelievers, or teaching other women, or children. Paul did not permit women to teach the Word of God to a believing man.
So, ironically, i missed out on all of Erin's tips on how to confront people, and I may just have to deal with this solo.
Ryan Mann, my good friend and roomate, brought up the point, "They may just be thinking that this is not a church, and that the passage wouldn't apply."
So let's hire some women to teach male students in teh Bible department. Heck, if a woman is teaching Biblical fundamentals, why not Old Testament Survey, or Christian Theology. Or why not have a woman speak in Chapel??? That surely is no more a "church" than Biblical fundamentals.
One thing has always bothered me, even when I was an unbeliever - hypocrisy.
I left my info with Tatlock, so he'll be calling me sometime after Thanksgiving.
And here's where I am...
I got some personally bad news today. Some things in life just don't go the way you want them to. ::tough:: I am not always going to be experiencing emotional, circumstancial happiness, and someone in student leadership saw it written on my face that I'm having a hard time today. I didn't feel like masking or sharing it, however, especially because some of the leadership is being inconsistent, and disobeying the Bible.
The Japanese have a saying, "the nail that sticks up gets hammered down."
Prof Jenses said of Socrates, "People don't like it when you walk around, questioning their beliefs and what they're doing, especially when they're in authority."
I am sticking out on this one, and I may hear "you are all alone," but I do not intend to cause division. It is better to be a single voice of reason than to be a silent consent to hypocrisy.
By the way, I walked out because a young teacher of the Word of God was once told, "Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands, nor take part in the sins of others; keep yourself pure." -1 Timothy 5:22
O God, keep me pure.
Public - 5:49 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
Friday, November 12, 2004
I think I'm leaving this place next year. I have like a billion credit requirements that I didn't fulfill at Chaffey (my JC in tha' Rancho Cucamonga), and I don't want to be here, taking General Ed. classes, taught by people with a Christian Bias. I'd like to avoid the Master's culture as much as possible. I'll probably want a break from it by the end of the year anyway.
"You're not gonna fit in at the masters, based on the way you dress alone, bro. Lots of rich white people up there, and the culture is not the kind of place you're going to blend in, like, punk rock and Calvary Chapel and all. But I encourage you to go, bro. Go and learn the Bible, but just don't let the culture discourage you." -Ed Enochs. Thank you.
So, I'm not going to be taking many Bible classes anyway. I need to just do general requirements anyway. I may as well just go do that at a Community College, a place I can't wait to get back to - a place without so many rules, without so many Christians who agree with me, without so few challenges to my faith, a place where I'm a light in darkness, where I am free to come and go, and everywhere is a mission field. O, how I miss Chaffey.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Public - 11:30 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
I want so badly to be understood, and I know I'm not. I'm going to be a missionary, and I'm probably going to be very alone much of the time. I need to learn to accept not being understood at all.
Thoughts for missionaries:
It is better to be misunderstood and content, than for another to know your very heartbeat, and be unable to live without them.
| 
